alone...

As much as being grammatically correct is part of my writing hopes, I am at the point of not caring. Please enjoy this essay paragraph that should be a zillion different paragraphs…There are a lot of times I feel alone. I feel like no one understands—a normal teenage feeling I have heard. But this is different, this isn’t the average fuck you parents feeling. Instead I feel absolutely vacant feelings. The feeling of emotions that leaves you with nothing, the only partnered emotion is sadness. I want to feel angry, I want to feel frustrated, but those feelings don’t exist in my world. Although my case isn’t extreme or far advanced, it is clear that bi-polar can ruin your world. One minute you are on top of the world—ecstatic, jovial, free—and experiencing the actions synonymous with happiness like laughter and smiles. The next minute, you are in a cave, a dark dark cave. Unlikely to find food, water, or light in any future moment. It’s the feeling of abandonment, when you feel like everyone is gone and doesn’t listen. When you have people you have brought close just so they can tear apart your heart and sanity. When your live depends on theirs, and you see them waste it away and not care. Do they respect me at all? Do they realize how much it hurts me by doing what they do? I have learned it doesn’t matter how much I try, I always fall behind or get frustrated or get lost. How much of this is bi-polar versus just normal thought, I have no idea. What I do know is that there is no getting rid of it. There are some nights I want to cry, so I do. But there are others, that make it harder to cry. Being raised on the idea that crying is weakness, it doesn’t matter how many people tell me different. When you are raised on an ideal that is engraved in your head from infant to near adulthood, it stays. I would never want to force this idea on someone else, morally it shouldn’t be true. I can’t not think of it as weakness. Even when you try so hard to help someone, and all they do in return is walk backwards, soon enough they will be back where they started. What about the future, what will you do then? Everything catches up to you. A family friend just went through surgery. He might not be able to walk ever again. Again, why does it have to take another person for me. They say it’s just a number, but the number grows—150, 200, 250, 3—and shrinks—100, 90, 80, 70—as it pleases. Weight isn’t something to be fucked around with. It can claim a life in a half second, utilizing everything it can. Diabetes, Stroke, heart attack, broken bones, illness…cancer. Life is much more cruel than death. One minute you are normal, the next diabetic and if you aren’t careful you can be in the emergency room having your toes removed. It’s funny how something as small as a toe can change your whole sense in balance. Yet it is true, it does. Who would have guessed when they were seven, that the cartoons weren’t shitting you. It is sad while life is cruel you perceive it as the better option. With life there is loss, there is pain, there is hatred and loneliness. With death, comes serenity, family, friends, peace and light.